Searching

So I’m not really sure how to begin a blog, but I guess this is the way I am choosing. Life as I know it is about to change. For the past 9 months I’ve been living Mollie Hollifield dorm at Auburn, and I’m not quite yet ready to leave. However, not leaving isn’t an option for me. Living with one of your close friends does not always tear you apart, despite what everyone told me. Kristin has become my best friend over my time at Auburn, and living with her couldn’t have been any more amazing. Adjusting to living on your own is harder than I could have imagined. Peer pressure to go out and get drunk is everywhere in a college town. I definitely made some wrong decisons, but I think I made a few good ones along the way too. I feel like the more I’ve tried to figure out what I want, the more confused I get. Maybe I’m bipolar, maybe I’m just indecisive, I just can’t seem to hold onto any one person.

Instead of finishing my research paper I have to turn in 6 hours, I am desperately trying to find some truth. I’ve gone through so many things this year, I am just trying to learn from my mistakes so I will stop being so ignorant sometimes. I fell into…some kind of trance I guess I would call it. Trying to find someone to fill a void in my life instead of relizing that I am completely capable of making myself happy all by myself. I lowered my standards just to have someone there, let me just say…REALLY bad mistake. After visiting my Aunt Tammy last weekend in Atlanta I got a lot of things off my chest that I’d been holding in. Mostly about my uncle that I was holding in. She told me that I am responsible for waking up each morning and making myself smile, not relying on a stupid boy. Easier said than done when I’ve constantly had a boy in my life since I can remember. I find life a lot scarier in general not having that someone there just in case I need to be picked back up. Regardless, I am going to try my best.

The walls are bare now, only 4 more nights here. I can’t believe how time flys by. A week ago I could have sworn I was lying on the floor in my closet taking to a boy about the stars on a summer night. A few days ago I fell in love with Auburn after walking on campus for 10 minutes and knew God had plans for me here. Yesterday I walked away from my parents and sister on my own, ready to take on the world. It’s so unbelieveable, I’ll be 20 this year. And that scares the hell out of me. The krutch of accepting my mistakes because I’m only a stupid lost teenager will be gone. But I don’t want to grow up. I will find a way to keep my youth somehow, even if its only through having my collection of animated Disney movies. Watching Nemo and eating KitKat’s will always make me unbelievely happy.

Blogging is pretty nice. Even if no one reads it, it makes life seem more real. And that’s enough for me.

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